new batteries

by pieces of moments

McSweeney’s lists always make me laugh so hard. Check out the newest one posted:

Common Sense Solutions to Alt-Pop Song Problems.


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Problem: I’m only happy when it rains.

Solution: Seattle.

Problem: The clock on the wall has been stuck at 3 for days and days.

Solution: New batteries.

Problem: I look just like Buddy Holly.

Solution: Milk it for all it’s worth!

Problem: Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow.

Solution: Find a woman, treat her right.

Problem: All I can say is that my life is pretty plain.

Solution: Coriander, used sparingly, can really pick up your day.

Problem: What else could I say? Everyone is gay.

Solution: Legalize civil union.

Problem: I’ve got a bad disease.

Solution: Penicillin.

Problem: Something’s always wrong.

Solution: Identify the root cause and then develop a tactical plan to correct it.

Problem: We all want something beautiful, man I wish I was beautiful.

Solution: Diet, exercise, and plastic surgery.

Problem: Sometimes I give myself the creeps.

Solution: Valium.

Problem: It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

Solution: Lay off the valium.

Problem: I’m just a sucker with no self-esteem.

Solution: You’re hitting it regularly, how is that a problem?

Problem: Every dog has its day, every day has its way of being forgotten—Mom, it’s my birthday.

Solution: Remember the milk.

Problem: Can’t find a better man.

Solution: Quit dancing, go back to school, follow your dreams—the rest will work itself out.

Problem: We were only freshmen.

Solution: You grew out of it, didn’t you?

Problem: Soy un perdedor.

Solution: You’ll never amount to anything with that attitude, mister.

Problem: But I’m a creep.

Solution: Cut your hair, don a jacket and tie, drink Corona.

Problem: That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, losing my religion.

Solution: Have you tried Hare Krishna?

Problem: Standing outside a broken phone booth with money in my hand.

Solution: Wait ten years, buy a TracFone.

Problem: Jeremy spoke in class today.

Solution: Keep your mouth shut and hide behind the fat kid.